PART 1

FADE IN

EXT. AN IMPOSSIBLE EXPANSE OF MARYLAND FARMLAND - DAY

The wind rustles the endless field of corn, blows over the

freshly mown meadow of soybeans, and magically sways a copse of

trees.

Its a Fall after-noon. A SUDDEN POUNDING OF GALLOPING HOOVES

breaks the peace and... A HORSE and RIDER burst between the rows

of corn into the meadow. They are running for their lives.

CLOSE ON:

The rider is a bride -- a beautiful woman dressed in a

disheveled wedding gown, its train tattered and flying like a

knights banner out behind her. This is MAGGIE CARPENTER.

The horse is frothing and wild-eyed, like the bride, who turns

to look behind her in terror. The horses labored breathing

mingles with Maggies panicked gasps.

We see a WEDDING BOUQUET fly into a ditch as the horse thunders

on. Maggie clings to the reins. She looks as though she is

running from the devil himself.

FADE TO BLACK

EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

Establishing.

CUT TO:

EXT. IKES APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - DAY

IKE (V.O.)

Hey, Fisher, pick up. I have some

column ideas I want to bounce off you.

Not there? Okay. Listen Im thinking

of writing about those mind-numbing

informercials that are always on.

Ike walks out of his apartment building talking on cell phone.

IKE (contd)

What do you think? Good idea, right?

Boring, down to death, pointless -- It

sucks.

Ike yells at a CONSTRUCTION WORKER.

IKE (contd)

If you guys are here any longer,

theyre gonna make you sign a lease.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER

Your column should be so funny.

Ike turns and walks down the street, talking into cell phone.

IKE

Okay, I was also thinking I might write

about...

He spots a RICH LADY with tons of diamonds getting out of a

Limousine, talking to a CHAUFFEUR. He goes up to her.

IKE (contd)

Excuse me. I was thinking of doing an

article on limousines. What would you

say to people who never had a chance to

drive in a limo?

They walk up to her DOORMAN.

LADY

Im sorry, I dont know any people like

that.

Ike walks off. They stare at him as he goes.

EXT. ANOTHER NEW YORK STREET - DAY

Ikes talking on the phone to his friends machine again.

IKE

(into phone)

Fisher? Come on -- I know youre

sitting there laughing at me. Pick up.

I want to run an idea past you.

Ike continues walking now in the full panic of writers block.

He pleads into his friends answering machine as he walks.

IKE (contd)

(into phone)

I just could use someone to toss it

back and forth with for a few minutes,

get the juice flowing, help me. I have

an hour and twenty-seven minutes and

fifty-two seconds. Hello?

He walks away from the t-shirt table towards the bar. The

Vendor calls out to him.

T-SHIRT VENDOR

Hey, Ike, when are you going to put me

in an article?

IKE

When your t-shirts stop shrinking.

Ike enters the bar. The Woman drops the shirt she was holding

and walks off with her children. The T-shirt Vendor goes back

to selling his shirts.

INT. NEW YORK BAR - LATE DAY

Ike sits at the bar speaking to an attractive Woman nearby, a

MAN puts is USA Today on the bar and addresses the BARTENDER.

MAN

I see photos of a lot of dead writers

on these walls. Got any living ones?

I have a story to tell that could win

one of them a Pulitzer.

(then, with enthusiasm)

Picture this, if you will. A small

town in Maryland, a sleepy little

village, within that a hardware store...

The Man continues speaking as Ike and the woman continue their

conversation.

WOMAN

So whats in store for us in tomorrows

column?

IKE

I dont know yet. Im kind of a last-

minute man. Ideas dont flow until an

hour or two before deadline.

The Woman gets up and begins throwing darts.

WOMAN

(interrupting)

This is very interesting. You get your

ideas for your column from life. You

start up a conversation with a woman in

a bar, attack her choice of reading

material, try and get a rise out of her

while you contemplate whether or not

shes worth hitting on.

IKE

No, I cant hit on you until I get an

idea.

She starts throwing darts.

WOMAN

Thats flattering.

IKE

No, you dont understand.

The Woman goes to her bar stool, gathering her bag and leaves a

tip for the Bartender.

WOMAN

I think I do understand. So my not

responding to your baiting me will

inspire one of those potential bitter

diatribes you love to write about women

and all the things we do to drive men

crazy?

IKE

(taken aback)

I dont write bitter diatribes about

women... very often.

She whacks him with a newspaper, then shakes his hand.

WOMAN

Only when the ideas arent flowing,

huh? Well, it was very nice to meet

you, one-minute man.

The Woman leaves the bar.

IKE

(as she exits)

Thats last minute man.

(then, louder)

And its the quality that counts.

BARTENDER

You know, for a good looking man, you

strike out a lot.

MAN

Ive seen much worse.

The phone rings. Te Bartender answers it as Ike sits back on

his bar stool. Ike grabs the womans magazine that she left on

the bar and starts glancing at it. The Man at the bar has heard

the whole thing.

MAN (contd)

I said, Ive seen much worse.

Ike looks at the Man with reservation. The Man is George

Swilling.

IKE

Excuse me?

MAN

The brush-off.

Ike gets up and moves to the dart board. He removes the darts.

MAN (contd)

Ive witnessed far more treacherous and

nefarious exits than that. At least

she castigated you in private.

IKE

Not as private as I thought.

Ike turns slightly, giving the man his back.

IKE (contd)

Kevin, youve got some napkins?

BARTENDER

Writing or wiping?

IKE

Give me a pen.

The Bartender gives him cocktail napkins and a pen. Ike starts

making notes. Ike looks up from his writing. The Man gets up

and starts throwing darts.

MAN

(throwing darts hard)

Ah, come on. They deserve it. They

love you, they hate you, theyre hot,

theyre cold, theyre high, theyre

low...

IKE

... Theyre up, theyre down. Its

really fun making this list with you,

but Ive got a column to go write.

BARTENDER

Ike.

MAN

(undeterred)

But you dont have a really superb idea!

Well, theres a girl from my hometown

you could write about.

Ike moves to the Bartender and pays him.

BARTENDER

(to Man)

Excuse me, we dont need any new ideas.

MAN

She likes to dump grooms right at the

altar. They call her "The Runaway

Bride".

Both Ike and Bartender turn and stare.

MAN

She performed the travesty seven or

eight times. Right at the altar she

turns around and runs like hell.

Bolts.

Ike turns and heads for the door. The Man calls after him,

getting up from his stool without stopping his enthusiastic

story.

MAN (contd)

Adios. Plows down the aisle, knocking

old ladies out of her way like the

running of the bulls at Pamplona. And

guess what?

IKE

I give up.

MAN

She has the next victim all lined up.

Shes twirling another body on the

spit.

Ike stops in his tracks. He turns back around in spite of

himself.

MAN

(beginning his story)

Imagine if you will, a small town in

Maryland...

CUT TO:

INT. IKES APARTMENT - DUSK

Ike sits at his computer, cassette player with Miles Davis PLAYS

next to him as he types away reading his handiwork to himself.

IKE

(reading)

"Today is a day of profound

introspection, I have been accused

of using this column to direct bitter

diatribes at the opposite sex! This

uncomfortable accusation has plunged me

into at least fifteen minutes of

serious reflection, from which I have

emerged with the conclusion that, yes

-- I traffic in female stereotypes."

EXT. USA TODAY OFFICE - DAY

FISHER walks through the main office reading the paper.

FISHER

"But how can one blame me when every

time I step out my front door I meet

fresh proof that the female archetypes

are alive and well? Te mother, the

virgin, the whore, the crone; theyre

elbowing you in the subway, stealing

your cabs, and overwhelming you with

perfume in elevators."

INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Elaine at her desk reads aloud to herself.

ELAINE

"But perhaps, in fairness to the fairer

sex, I do need to broaden my horizon

and add some new goddesses to the

pantheon: I would like to nominate for

deity..."

Fisher hands a file to Elaine.

FISHER

"... The cheerleader, the coed, and the

man-eater, the last of which concerns me

most today."

Fisher leaves and we hold a USA Today sign.

CUT TO:

INT. NEW YORK BAR - DAY

The Man comes out of the mens room reading the USA Today,

Kevin, the Bartender, stands on the bar reading the same

article.

MAN

(reads)

"To be fair, the man-eater isnt

exactly new. In Ancient Greece, this

fearsome female was known as Erinys,

the devouring death goddess. In India,

she is Kali, who likes to devour her

boyfriend Shivas entrails while her

yoni devour his -- dot dot dot, never

mind. In Indonesia, the bloody-jawed

man-eater is called Ragma..."

Te Man sits at the bar near to the Bartender.

BARTENDER

You noticed these are all countries

without cable.

(then, continues

reading)

"... And in Hale, Maryland where she

helps run the family hardware store.

She is known as Miss Maggie Carpenter

..."

(mispronounces)

".... AKA, the Runaway Bride."

CUT TO:

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY

WORKERS read the above article.

INT./EXT. BEAUTY PARLOR / HALE, MARYLAND - DAY

PEGGY and MRS. PRESSMAN exit the parlor and stroll down the

street. (lowers her paper and reads.)

PEGGY (contd)

"... And in Hale, Maryland where she

helps run the family hardware store."

(to the Women)

We have to go to Maggie. Cindy, mind

the shop.

(exits salon;

continues reading)

"... She is known as Miss Maggie

Carpenter, AKA, the Runaway Bride."

MRS. PRESSMAN

Holy moly.

The older one, Mrs. Pressman, listens with a pained expression

as the younger one, Peggy, continues to read the column aloud.

Neither one can believe what theyre reading.

PEGGY

(reads)

"What is unusual about Miss Carpenter

is that she likes to dress her men up

as grooms before she devours them. She

has already disemboweled six in a row

by leaving them at the altar."... I

cant ready anymore.

MRS. PRESSMAN

(takes paper from

her, reads)

"And her ritual feast continues as she

prepares to make a sacrifice out of the

seventh fiance. So all bets are on and

we hope that this boomerang bride isnt

honeymooning with Las Vegas odds makers

because many predict that this girl is

out of there before the race... before

the rice hits the ground"

(then)

Holy moly.

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman step into a hardware store.

INT. HARDWARE STORE - CONTINUOUS

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman enter, worried.

MRS. PRESSMAN

You tell Maggie.

PEGGY

No, you tell her.

MRS. PRESSMAN

No, no. Youre her best friend.

PEGGY

No.

MRS. PRESSMAN

(holding her

newspaper)

You know, its just possible that she

hasnt read this yet.

PEGGY

Yeah.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Maybe she hasnt read the paper...

On the counter, they see a copy of USA Today opened to the

article about Maggie.

MRS. PRESSMAN (contd)

... Or not!

We follow MAGGIE down the back stairs inside The Hale Hardware

Store, the prettiest, most welcoming shop of its kind anywhere

in small town USA. Somehow the place ha taken on the spirit of

the owners daughter; both stop and shop-girl radiate brightness,

charm, and possibility. Maggie comes down steps with a faucet

handle and goes to an elderly customer, MR. PAXTON.

MAGGIE

(bright)

Here we go! One antique hot water

handle with the "HOT" still on it,

guaranteed to fit any American Standard

cast iron tub with a four-inch center

made between 1924 and 1938. In other

words, I think youre out of the

doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.

MR. PAXTON

(amazed)

Hallelujah.

MAGGIE

Alright, Mr. Paxton, Ill put it on

your account.

Maggie rounds the bend, another customer, EARL, stands by the

paint machine.

EARL

Maggie.

MAGGIE

(walking past customer)

You dont need an air conditioner, Earl,

you just need an attic fan -- Theres

more in the back.

Maggie steps behind the front counter of the store and takes the

account book out. Her voice trails off as she sees the dour

expression on the faces of her friends.

MAGGIE (contd)

What?

Peggy nervously mentions the newspaper.

PEGGY

(delicate)

So -- Mag -- youve seen this, huh?

MAGGIE

(serious)

Yes, Ive seen it. And I have to say

its the rudest and most offensive...

joke anybodys ever played on me!

To their amazement, Maggie starts smiling.

MAGGIE (contd)

You guys! How long did this take you?

Maggie stays amused.

MAGGIE (contd)

Whered you get this done?

(laughing)

You creeps! I should disinvite you!

And why did you say seven times? This

is four.

PEGGY

Uh, Maggie, you told us to bachelorette

jokes, so we didnt...

Maggie looks at the stricken face of her friends.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Holy moly.

Peggy looks like she is going to cry with sympathy for Maggie.

Maggie is starting to feel uncomfortable. She looks down,

dubiously, at the paper.

MAGGIE

Um, you know, now would be a good

moment to tell me this is fake.

(no response)

It wont be funny if you drag it out.

Okay?

(no response)

Okay, well... I mean, I can find out...

Real newspapers smear. Phoney papers

dont.

She picks up the paper and brushes it against her apron, leaving

an INK SMEAR!!

She nearly kneels over.

MAGGIE (contd)

(sitting)

Bag.

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman immediately spring to her side. They

give her a bag to breathe in.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Bag.

CUT TO:

INT. MAGGIES WORKOUT ROOM/GYM - NIGHT

We see Maggie kickboxing in anger. The radio is on. She

suddenly stops, yanks Ikes article off the wall, leaves her

workout area and goes to her desk.

ANGLE ON DESK AREA:

She turns off the radio and begins to type her letter.

MAGGIE (V.O.)

"Dear Editor..."

EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT

As Maggies VOICE-OVER continues to read her letter, we take in

a Manhattan busy day. It is big, loud, and anonymous.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

"Greeting from the sticks! Perhaps you

believe that a rural education is

focused mainly on hog calling and

tractor maintenance rather than reading.

Why else would you print a piece of

fiction about me and call it fact?"

Te CAMERA FINDS Ike, striding across a busy street, dodging

taxies. A WOMAN smacks him with a newspaper. He passes a WOMAN

TRAFFIC OFFICER, then a hot dog stand. He greets and passes a

FALAFEL VENDOR. THE CAMERA PANS to a USA Today Truck.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

"I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy

thinking us slanderous statements about

how I dump men for kicks to bother with

something silly like accuracy in

reporting. Which is understandable,

because with a "man-eater" like me on

the loose, who has time to check facts?"

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS

He passes regular GUYS who cheer him.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

"Still, we cannibalistic queens can get

pretty cranky when we see things in

print that hurt our feelings, like that

we deliberately abandon fiances with

malice aforethought."

INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS

He enters the newspaper building, going to Ellies office.

INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

He walks through the crowded city room. His arrival attracts a

lot of attention from his CO-WORKERS. Ike seems a little

surprised, but hes pleased.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

"Thats why I was surprised to find Mr.

Grahams editor was a woman. Call me a

sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped

we man-eater could stick together."

Ike works his way down the hall to the editors office. CHUFFA

Ike greets various workers. He steps up to the editors

secretary, ELAINE. She doesnt smile.

IKE

(to Elaine)

Ill put in a good word for you.

ELAINE

No, no, dont mention my name in there.

IKE

Why?

A buzz.

ELAINE

You can go in now.

Ike goes into Ellies office. Elaine picks up her phone.

CUT TO:

INT. ELLIES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

ELLIE is that editor. Stylish and successful looking, shes

about Ikes age. Ellie sits behind a big desk with a scowl on

her pretty face. Her casual-looking husband, Fisher, sits

nonchalantly on the arm of the couch. Ike enters as Ellie reads

Maggies letter.

ELLIE

(reading letter)

"Anyway, Im just dropping you big city

folk this little note to say that I have

thought of a ritual sacrifice that would

satisfy my current appetite: Ike

Grahams column on a platter. Yours

truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S. -- I

have inclosed a list of the gross

factual misrepresentations in your

article. There are fifteen."

Ike sits as Ellie puts the letter down and takes off her glasses.

IKE

(chuckles as he sits)

Fully. I like her. She has wit.

ELLIE

I left four messages. You dont return

my calls.

IKE

So? I never returned your calls, even

when we were married. And whats

Fisher doing here anyway?

Fisher gets and places a photo of the cat on a bookshelf on his

way to the other side of the room.

FISHER

Ellie asked me to come down to offer

moral support.

IKE

Since when does Ellie need moral supp--

ELLIE

-- Its for you, Ike.

IKE

What?

ELLIE

Journalism lesson number one. If you

fabricate your facts, you get fired.

Ellie pushes USA Today lawyers letter across the desk for him

to read. Ike picks it up and skims the letter. His face is as

impassive as stone.

IKE

Lesson number two. Never work for your

former spouse.

ELLIE

Thats not nothing to do with it. You

cooked this story up and you know it.

IKE

I didnt cook up a story. I had a

source.

ELLIE

Someone reliable, Im sure. A booze-

hound in a bar?

FISHER

In vino veritas.

IKE

Dont knock drunk guys in bars. Drunk

guys in bars are good. It means

theyre not driving.

Ike gets up and stands near Ellie, making his point.

IKE (contd)

Besides, Im a columnist. This is what

columnists are supposed to do. This is

what you like. We push, we stretch, we

go out on a limo. Thats what makes me

good!

ELLIE

No, thats what makes you unemployed.

IKE

I merely write the stuff. Youre the

one that serves it up.

Ike puts down the letter and puts his glasses back into his

pocket.

ELLIE

Not anymore. I have to draw the line.

(pushing a piece

of paper)

She sent us this list. Our lawyers say

its actionable.

Ellie hands Ike Maggies list.

IKE

(scoffs)

Lawyers.

(glances at list)

I dont know, Ellie -- Firing me is

going to be very tough on you. Its

going to be hard to get over. There

will be therapy bills for you.

ELLIE

(shrugs)

I already made an appointment for later

today.

IKE

(putting the list

down, standing)

See? You want custody of my job? ...

Why not just consider my wrist slapped

and call me when you feel Ive served

my time?

ELLIE

Im sorry, Ike. This is permanent.

Fisher winces and looks away. Ike and Ellie look at each other

for a sober moment.

ELLIE (V.O.; contd)

If you go quietly, Ill get you

severance pay.

Ellie fidgets with her toy rake, then Ike heads for the door.

He laughs a little at the painful truth of her words and walks

out. Ellie collapses back in her chair. Fisher goes to her and

rubs her shoulders.

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - DAY

Ike rides sadly on the back of a forklift, gets off and walks

out.

EXT. HALE RESIDENTIAL STREET - ANOTHER MORNING

ANGLE ON MAGGIES HOUSE:

A train goes by. A modest clapboard house with a porch. Two

entrances. A PAPERBOY tosses a paper onto the lawn in front of

the house. The front door opens and Maggie appears fresh out of

bed, wearing only a jacket and panties. Heedless of being seen

this way, she scampers out to the sidewalk to pick up her

delivered paper: USA Today. She tears off the plastic bag and

rips into it, looking for her letter. She finds it. A smile on

her face, then she scampers back into the house.

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - THAT MOMENT

Maggie skips back into her house which she shares with Father

and Grandma. A cozy and eclectic place creatively furnished on

a shoe-string. She rushes into: KITCHEN WHERE BOB KELLY,

fiance #4, is packing cans into a backpack. Bob, 38, has a

pleasant face and a body that is almost shockingly buff. Hes

wearing a T-shirt that reads: "Mountaineers Do It Against the

Wall.", Maggie dances over, waving the paper and singing.

MAGGIE

She canned him, she canned him...

Bob test the weight of the backpack adding dehydrate food.

BOB

Come here, Mag, and try this on.

Maggie puts the paper on the kitchen counter and starts to read

aloud, paying no mind to Bob, who is sticking her arms through

the straps of the backpack.

MAGGIE

Listen: "Dear Ms. Carpenter, I

apologize to you for this unfortunate

matter. Ike Grahams column will no

longer be appearing in this paper.

Best of luck in you upcoming marriage!"

Bob continues to hold up the weight of the backpack as he straps

it onto Maggies shoulders.

BOB

That-a-girl! You sacked him.

(checking pack)

This is the weight of the pack youre

going to have to carry in the Himalayas.

Tell me if its too heavy.

Bob lets go and Maggie FALLS BACKWARD, disappearing behind the

counter, and hitting the floor, with a THUD. Bob looks down at

her. Maggies voice rises from the floor behind the counter.

MAGGIE (o.s.)

Its a little... Its a little heavy...

Help me, baby.

Bob has no answer. He reaches a hand down. He yelps as Maggie

pulls him down on top of her, out of frame. We HEAR them giggle

and kiss.

INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCK - ANOTHER DAY

Fisher uses the dock for a photo shoot featuring men and women

in evening and formal wear from Escada for G.Q. Fisher is not

actually shooting the camera, but rather supervising it.

Fisher claps his hands and calls the models to attention. Then

he goes onto the stage and sets the models in their positions.

FISHER (contd)

Remember, we are putting the "fun" back

into formal.

(to Ike)

I just say that for the agency guys. I

dont even know what that means. Now

follow me.

INT. USA TODAY OBSERVATION ROOM - DAY

Elevator doors open. Ike and Fisher exit and walk towards the

coffee table.

FISHER

Ike, I really liked the Runaway Bride

piece, and since I do freelance stuff

for G.Q., Im in a different position

now...

IKE

What are you trying to say to me, Fish?

They stop walking.

FISHER

Vindication. How would you like to get

some? A chance to prove that, though

your facts werent entirely straight,

your theory was correct.

IKE

(hiding his hope)

The real story on Miss Carpenter.

FISHER

All the gory details.

They start walking again.

IKE

(excited)

The anatomy of the black widow spider

of Maryland.

FISHER

It wouldnt be a bad way to get you

back into writing feature pieces

again.

IKE

(enthusiastically)

This is good. It is a good story,

Fish.

They stop at the coffee table and grab something to eat.

FISHER

(nods)

If she runs, then its a cover story.

All true. All accurate.

IKE

(confesses)

Okay, you were right. I hated my

column, but I can do this assignment.

FISHER

Then youve got it. If you leave

tomorrow for the hinterlands, youll

have plenty of time before her next

wedding trot.

IKE

"Paid vindication" Thats what I call

justice.

FISHER

Justice, yes. Paid, I dont know.

They like the idea, but my hands are

tied with budget restraints.

IKE

But Ill get my normal fee, right?

He walks away.

IKE

You want me to do it on spec?!

He follows him.

CUT TO:

EXT. MARYLAND HIGHWAY - DAY

We see Ike driving down the highway. The car sputters a little

as he and Fisher continue their conversation in voice-over. (If

needed by the editor.)

FISHER (V.O.)

Dont say "spec" like its a dirty word.

Nobody ever paid Shakespeare to write a

play! Plato never got a book advance...

IKE (V.O.)

Oh yeah! I happen to know from

reliable sources that Nietzche got

expenses and a rental car.

We hear Fisher laugh.

IKE (V.O.; contd)

Im going to make this work, Fish. Im

going to do it!

Ikes car drives into Hale, passing a billboard reading,

"Welcome to Hale."

CUT TO:

EXT. HALE STREET - DAY

Ike drives down picturesque Main Street. He passes Hale

Hardware. Sign says: "At Curl. Be back soon."

EXT. ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY

A BARBERSHOP QUARTET is singing in front of the only hotel in

town. Ike pulls up and goes inside.

INT. LOBBY/ATLANTIC HOTEL - DAY

Ike has checked into the Atlantic Hotel. The clerk, LEE, hands

him his key. Ike asks about room service and the restaurant.

An OLDER WOMAN asks him if he plays bridge as he goes up the

stairs to his room.

EXT. HALE MAIN STREET - DAY

Ike exits his hotel as the Barber Shop Quartet finishes singing

"Camptown Races."

He now walks down the charming main artery of the town, looking

exactly like what he is: a cynical New York out of his element

on sunny Main Street, USA. KIDS ride by on bikes, streaming

balloons behind them. A balloon hits Ike on the face. As he

crosses the street, he mutters into his tape recorder:

IKE

I think Im in Maryberry.

Flags hang on all the storefronts and the place sparkles with

wholesome attitudes as PEOPLE greet each other familiarly. Ike

comes to beauty parlor called "Curl Up and Dye". The place is

doing business and crowded with WOMEN.

INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - DAY

Cindy, the manicurist, does Mrs. Pressmans nails. Maggie sits

on the floor next to Peggys salon chair, fixing the base of a

barber chair. She tightens a screw and looks up, satisfied.

Cindys dog is on the floor near Maggie.

MAGGIE

Cindy, you better 86 Sprout. He seems

to be enjoying the petroleum

distillates.

Cindy rolls over in her chair, picks up her dog and rolls back

to her station.

CINDY

Thats it. Back to obedience school.

MAGGIE

(to Peggy)

Okay -- have a seat... gently,

carefully.

Peggy sits in the chair. Maggie spins her around and around.

PEGGY

(delighted as

she spins)

Youre a goddess!

MAGGIE

I didnt even need to change this

gasket, just put in a little hydraulic

fluid.

PEGGY

Stop it. When you talk like that, I

get turned on and it frightens me.

JUST THEN. Ike enters the salon, taking off his sunglasses.

Peggy hops off the chair.

IKE

Hello. Im looking for Maggie

Carpenter. There was a sign at the

hardware store across the street...

PEGGY

Are you a reporter?

Its a little early in the game for Ike to be thrown off guard.

IKE

(shocked)

What?

PEGGY

(eyeing his loafers)

Its been our experience that anyone

with some sort of gewgaw on his loafers

ends up being another big city reporter

wanting to interview Maggie.

IKE

About her upcoming wedding and all.

PEGGY

No, about her getting that asshole from

New York fired.

Ike smiles down at his loafers and shrugs.

IKE

I am just such a reporter. And you are?

PEGGY

Peggy Phleming. Not the ice skater.

Peggy steps aside. Ike moves toward Cindy and Mrs. Pressman.

IKE

And who are these lovely ladies?

Te ladies shake his hand and introduce themselves.

CINDY

Cindy. Maggies unmarried cousin.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Mrs. Pressman. No relation.

PEGGY

And you are?

IKE

(turning toward her)

Looking for Maggie.

PEGGY

Yep. Maggie -- Someone to see you.

Maggie looks over from her sitting position on the floor. She

gives Ike the once-over, focusing on the shoes.

MAGGIE

(yelling to Peggy)

Reporter?

PEGGY

Yup!

Ike crouches to see Maggie on the floor just as she rises to her

feet. Ike straightens up. For a moment, he is thrown by her

beauty and intelligent eyes.

MAGGIE

I hope you have a different angle.

Its pretty much all been covered.

IKE

Originality is my speciality.

MAGGIE

Excellent.

PEGGY

Hold on -- Nobody interviews Maggie in

here unless theyre getting haircut.

MAGGIE

Shes the boss.

IKE

Sorry, no. I just got one.

MRS. PRESSMAN

(to Ike)

Excuse me, sir. I have an actual fact

for you.

IKE

(steps to Mrs. Pressman)

Yes, Mrs. Pressman.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Its her fourth time to the altar, you

know. Not seven like they said.

IKE

I know. Tell me something. Do you

think shes going to make it all the

way this time?

During the Ike/Mrs. Pressman exchange, Maggie looks at Ike.

Theres something familiar about him. She looks over at Peggy

and beckons her to a copy of Ikes column affixed to a mirror.

A goatee and horns, have been scrawled on Ikes byline picture.

Hes been "devilized". Peggy coughs as she recognizes Ike in

the newspaper clipping.

MAGGIE

She swallowed her gun.

Mrs. Pressman continues her story to Ike.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Im not sure. Mr. Schullian runs the

newsstand, hes our local bookie, you

know, hes giving eight to one odds she

wont. He says shes so famous now,

maybe Vegas will give odds on her. Im

going to wait to hear what the pros say.

IKE

Good fact. Well, you let me know.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Oh, I will.

ANGLE ON:

Maggie indicates column to Peggy. She looks over at the part of

the shop used to wash and dye hair. Theres a sink, stool and a

cabinet affixed to the wall above sink, which holds various

shampoos and hair dyes. Maggie gets an idea. Maggie and Peggy

step forward toward Ike.

MAGGIE

Well, instead of a haircut, how about

a wash? You know, get all that city

grit out of it.

IKE

Youll answer my questions?

Maggie nods affirmatively.

IKE (contd)

(removing his jacket)

Fine. You wash, Ill ask the

questions.

PEGGY

Great.

Ike hands Peggy his jacket. A mystified Peggy leads Ike to the

sink. While she does this...

MAGGIE

Have a seat. Peggy, why dont you give

him the special treatment that

strengthens the follicles.

Ike sits in the chair near the sink. Maggie shakes out a smock

and puts it around Ike.

MAGGIE (contd)

So, what do you want to know?

Ike leans and rests his head on the sink. Peggy bends over him

and wets his hair. She grabs various hair coloring products.

IKE

Getting nervous?

MAGGIE

Nervous? Not at all! No. Ive never

been more certain in my life. Except

-- I am having all kinds of weird

dreams.

Ike pulls the cloth down from over his face.

IKE

Weird dreams? Youre going to tell me

about them?

MAGGIE

Yes.

PEGGY

(calming)

Lets just put this back here for the

aromatherapy.

Peggy recovers his face, then continues to fuss with the hair

coloring products. Maggie helps.

INT. BEAUTY PARLOR - LATER

Ike sits with a towel over his head as Peggy blow-dries the back

of his head. His back is to the mirror, his body faces Maggie.

Cindy does her own nails as Mrs. Pressman scratches off lottery

tickets. The dog, Sprout, sits in is basket.

MAGGIE

In another one...

PETE, wearing a hat, comes in the front door of the salon.

PEGGY

Hey, Pete, Ill be right with you.

Ike peeks out from under his towel as Maggie continues.

MAGGIE

Im inside the church. Everyone I know

is there, only theyre not really them.

Theyre like Frankenstein monsters, but

without the bolts coming out of their

necks. Its all very "Night of the

Living Dead". And heres the creepiest

part -- I look down at my dress and

its red. I mean, I have no idea what

it means. Reds not my color!

Ike listens intently and stares steadily into her eyes. Peggy

removes the towel. His hair is divided into equal parts and

dyed orange and red.

MAGGIE (contd)

So what do you think?

Ike stares back at her, the tickle of suspicion creeping up his

spine.

IKE

I think youd look good in red.

PEGGY

No, shes talking about your hair.

Maggie swivels his chair so that Ike faces the mirror. Ike

looks at his brightly colored hair.

MAGGIE

Youre all ready for football season,

Mr. Graham.

Ike stares at his hair in total confusion. With icy calm, Ike

rises from his chair and primps the end of his hair as if giving

it the finishing touches. Then he sees his defaced newspaper

clipping and all becomes clear. He picks up the article and

shows it to everyone. Ike does a slow burn.

IKE

Yes, I think I nailed the personality

profile of the women of Hale.

Ike turns and puts the clipping up on the mirror.

IKE (contd)

(to Peggy)

My jacket, please.

Peggy hands him his jacket.

IKE (contd)

(sarcastically)

Thank you.

Ike moves toward the door. He spots Pete.

IKE (contd)

(putting on jacket;

to Pete)

Excuse me, Pete, do you know a place

that sells shampoo... Strong shampoo?

PETE

Docs Pharmacy. Third and Elm. Tell

him Pete sent you. Want my hat?

IKE

No thanks.

Ike smiles at Maggie and exits.

MAGGIE

(to Peggy)

He seems crabby.

CUT TO:

EXT. MAIN STREET - DAY

In front of beauty salon, Maggie follows Ike out.

MAGGIE

If youre looking for Elm Street, its

that way.

She puts on her sunglasses.

IKE

Thank you.

He walks the other way.

MAGGIE

If you came down here in the pursuit of

happiness, you might as well go back.

Because you cant make me feel bad.

She stops walking and turns to Ike.

IKE

Im not here to make you feel bad. Im

here for vindication. In my heart...

MAGGIE

You have one?

Ike walks back to Maggie.

IKE

I feel Im right about you. You got me

fired, lady. You destroyed my

reputation and you screwed up my hair.

You chew men up, spit them out and

loved it. And Im down here to satisfy

myself on that point.

PASSERSBY stare at Ikes hair and giggle.

MAGGIE

Did something happen to make you care

about reality?

IKE

Yes. Conviction. Conviction that Im

onto the truth. Youre going to do the

same thing to "poor bastard number four"

that you did to the last three. Youre

going to run again. And Im not

leaving until you do.

MAGGIE

Youre going to be very disappointed.

IKE

Well see.

MAGGIE

Id love to stay and chat, but Ive got

to get back to work. I still have my

job.

He stares at her for a beat, stung by her words.

MAGGIE

I have nothing to hide, Mr. Graham.

Talk to whoever you want. You might

actually stumble upon a fact or two.

Maggie walks away. Ike walks a few steps and stops at a KID on

a bike.

IKE

Hey, kid, Ill give you ten bucks for

your hat.

Kid agrees. Ike puts the hat on and starts to cross the street.

An OLD WOMAN walks by and hits him with a newspaper. Ike is

stunned.

EXT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DUSK

Maggie pulls into the driveway in her truck. Shes in a fine

mood as she walks right in the house.

INT. MAGGIES HOUSE - DUSK

Bob, Walter, and Maggies GRANDMOTHER JULIA sit in the living

room. Grandma is sewing one of Maggies wedding veils. Walter

drinks wine, Ike wears a hat.

WALTER

You know, when I only see one dog, I

know Ive had too much to drink.

Te family dog, Skipper, sits near a ceramic dog table. Maggie

smiles as she walks in the front door and puts down her tool box

and bag.

MAGGIE

Youll never guess who came crawling

into town with his tail between his

legs.

IKE (o.s.)

Who?

Maggie enters the parlor to see Ike smiling evilly from his seat

on the couch.

IKE (contd)

(innocently)

Hello, Maggie. I just came by to

apologize to your family.

(looks to Walter)

When Im wrong, Im wrong. I pushed a

story. I made a mistake.

WALTER

In other words -- hes only human. An

he brought us a bottle of wine.

Raises the bottle to Maggie.

IKE

They made me put my hat back on.

WALTER

Oh, yeah. Scared the hell out of

Skipper.

MAGGIE

Youve got to be kidding me.

Maggie stares at them both.

BOB

(enjoying the moment)

No, no, you should have seen Skipper.

(then, imitates

growling)

It wasnt that funny.

Maggie gives him a look that says, "You are not absolved." She

smiles stiffly, looking back at Ike. She then sits on the arm

of Bobs chair and puts her arm on his shoulder.

MAGGIE

So, the forces of good and evil have

already met.

Maggie takes the wine bottle from the table next to Walter. She

snaps a look to Bob, who follows her.

BOB

Ill help you take into the kitchen.

GRANDMA JULIA

Check on the crabs, Bob.

We overhear them murmuring in annoyed tones about the wedding

plans as they exit... Walter puts down his drink.

IKE

Gee, I hope they dont have a fight out

there. You dont think theyll call it

off...?

WALTER

Well, wedding cake freezes. This we

know.

IKE

You know, your daughter seems...

Ike notices that hes been sewn to the veil.

GRANDMA JULIA

Sorry.

IKE

Thats okay, Grandma.

Grandma cuts the thread and separates the veil from Ikes sleeve.

IKE (contd)

(continuing his thought)

... Like such a lovely girl.

Walter points to a portrait painting on the wall.

WALTER

Like her mother.

IKE

(seeing the portrait)

Ah, beautiful.

(gets up to admire

the portrait)

I just cant see her leaving multiple

grooms in the dust like that.

GRANDMA JULIA

Oh, yes, you can. Shes has em all on

tape.

IKE

She has a tape?

WALTER

(good-natured)

Yeah. Lee at the hotel videos wedding.

I mean Maggie didnt know she was going

to make the hundred-yard dash.

Walter gestures to a pile of video cassettes on the bookcase.

Ike checks on the tapes.

IKE

Dads fishing trip, Grandmas knee

operation, Grandmas birthday...

WALTER

Gotta tell you this about my daughter.

My daughter makes real good time, even

in a long dress and heels. Maggie may

not be Hales longest running joke, but

she certainly is the fastest.

Walter cracks up.

GRANDMA JULIA

(sarcastically)

Ha ha.

CLOSE ON: A tape. It reads: "Maggie I, II, III." Ikes

interest is more than piqued. Ike picks it up. They get up and

go to the dining room.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. DINNING ROOM/MAGGIES HOUSE - NIGHT

The family dog, Skipper, steals food from the table. Walter

scolds him. Walter whacks his crab with his hammer and Ike

copies him.

WALTER (contd)

Emma and I were only blessed with one

child, not for lacking of trying.

MAGGIE

This is good, Dad, dont leave anything

out.

Ikes hammer flies out of his hand. He goes to pick it up.

WALTER

So Ive come to see it as a bonus,

really, that weve been able to plan,

and pay for, so many weddings.

MAGGIE

Not this one. This ones on me.

Walter reacts.

IKE

Thats fair.

MAGGIE

Despite what you think, I dont do it

on purpose. And I have no intention of

doing it again.

BOB

Thats right, Maggie. Just keep your

eye on the ball.

Ike raises his eyebrows in question. Bob explains.

BOB (contd)

Sports psychology. It was my major in

college.

IKE

Ahh.

BOB

(false modesty)

Im the towns unofficial fitness

trainer. Big advocate of the mind and

body combining for success. You could

say or you can quote me, Im a glass

half full king of guy.

MAGGIE

(boasting)

Bobs the head of the P.E. department

at the high school. And he coaches the

football team. And hes climbed

Everest.

To Maggies satisfaction, Ike shoots Bob a look of begrudging

respect. Nobody whos been up Everest is a total clown.

IKE

(impressed)

Everest. Is that right?

MAGGIE

Twice...

IKE

Really?

MAGGIE

(sticking it to Ike)

Without oxygen...

BOB

My girl likes to brag about me.

Bob and Maggie kiss Ike two little love-birds.

BOB (contd)

Im taking her trekking on Annapurna on

our honeymoon.

Ike is highly amused.

IKE

How romantic.

MAGGIE

(sharply)

We think so.

IKE

Nothing like sharing your nuptial bed

with two Sherpas and a yak.

Walter cracks up, Maggie shoots Ike a look. He smiles back.

CUT TO:

INT. IKES HOTEL ROOM/INT. FISHER AND ELLIES BEDROOM (NYC)

INTERCUT TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

Fisher and Ellie are exercising. Fisher is on a cycle machine.

Ellie does yoga stretches. Ike sits back on the couch, puts on

his glasses and watches a video taped wedding playing on the TV

screen. Superimposed titles read "Brian Norris wedding."

IKE

(to Fisher; into phone)

You wont believe what Im looking at,

Fisher. A videotape of all three train

wrecks.

THE TV - CLOSE

Two flower girls and Peggy enter a crowded church where the

groom, Brian, and his best man wait at the altar.

Now we see Maggie come down the aisle, then walk past the altar.

We see Maggie move away another aisle and out of the church.

SHOCKED WEDDING GUESTS rise in horror, as she runs from this

first wedding. She drags the train boy up the second aisle as

she leaves. Ike hangs up. He gets up to pick up the remote and

then sits back down to watch.

The tape fast-forwards to the next wedding. Now Ike is looking

at a much more relaxed, hipper, backyard wedding. It says,

"Gill Chavez Wedding". He hits the fast-forward button

(sometimes slowing down).

ON TV:

We see the Carpenters backyard. It is Gill and Maggies

wedding day. The yard is crowded with a MIXTURE of Hells

Angels-types, Deadheads and townspeople. The "altar" is a band

platform against the back fence.

Gill is waiting on the platform with a rock combo playing

Grateful Dead-type music. He makes an introductory speech.

Maggie steps out onto the back porch. Shes beautiful in a

hippie-type wedding ensemble. She walks with her father to a

trampoline. We can see her tattoo. She jumps on the trampoline,

then dives into the crowd. They watch her and body surf her

over their heads to the back fence.

As she hits the stage, she looks at Peggy and Gill, then decides

to go. She jumps off the stage and runs up to a passing GUY on

a dirt bike. She jumps on and turns and waves as she rides

away. During the video, Ike scribbles: "Gill Chavez". Maggie

goes off on dirt bike. The tape fast-forwards to the last of

Maggies fiascoes.

ON IKESTV

He now sees the third wedding. Its outdoors, in a tree lined

area, MUSICIANS plays. Ike laughs as he discovers that Maggie

approaches the altar on horseback, in a simple white dress,

wearing a crown of flowers. The Maid Marian look. Ike slows the

tape.

ON TV: IT SAYS, "GEORGE SWILLING WEDDING".

As Maggie rides down the aisle, suddenly the horse whinnies!

Maggie has kicked it in the shins. It rears and bolts,

galloping off with the bride. Ike FREEZE FRAMES the tape on an

image of Maggie, hair blowing. Although she is panic-stricken,

her soul seems to shine through in tat single frame. As Ike

stares at her, the smirk fades from his face. He just looks at

her, allowing himself to see her expression, her eyes. He cant

help it.

She gets to him. Ike gets a restless look on his face. He

stares closely. The groom is George from the bar.

IKE

Kamikaze!

CUT TO:

EXT. TE TROUT BAKERY - THE NEXT DAY

Establishing. High angle wide shot of a bakery in Hale. Ike

exits a neighboring shop and walks down the block. He pauses in

front of the bakery to take a look at Maggies truck. As he

does, a middle-aged Black WOMAN walks by and whacks him with a

newspaper. Ike is stunned as she walks off. He turns to a MAN

sitting on a bench.

IKE

Did you see that?

CUT TO:

INT. THE TROUT BAKERY - CONTINUOUS

CLOSE ON a group of plastic grooms and brides on a counter top.

MRS. TROUT is behind the counter helping Maggie with a selection

of grooms for her wedding cake. The groom figures are spread out

on the counter. All sizes and colors, some attached to brides,

some solo, some tuxes, some in dinner jackets.

MRS. TROUT

This ones very popular, but oh, youve

used this one before... Brian. But I

like the white dinner jacket.

MAGGIE

No, hes no good. Too blond.

MRS. TROUT

(picks up another)

Well go with total traditional.

MAGGIE

Too dark.

Then, Ike comes up behind her as she discards another groom.

IKE

But hes got the Bobsters eyes.

Maggie cringes at the sound of Ikes voice.

IKE (contd)

No -- the Bobsters eyes are closer set.

She ignores him and continues her search.

IKE (contd)

(to Mrs. Trout)

Could I have two coffees, please? And

what is that wonderful smell?

(seeing the

cinnamon rolls)

Ill have two of those delicious

looking cinnamon rolls.

MRS. TROUT

Sure.

(picking up a

miniature bride)

Here, Maggie. I think this makes the

best you.

Mrs. Trout steps away to get his order. Ike moves to the other

side of Maggie and picks up the bride and groom figure.

IKE

Lets see... Excuse me, isnt that cute?

Ahh...

He makes the bride figure repeatedly knock the groom figure in

the head and run away screaming.

IKE (contd)

Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Oh, help me!

Help me! Yup! Thats her all right.

Mrs. Trout just about bursts a gut laughing. Maggie takes the

bride from Ike coldly.

MRS. TROUT

You must be that Mr. Graham fellow.

Ike turns and goes to her.

IKE

Yes, I am. And who are you?

MRS. TROUT

Betty Trout. Five dollars.

IKE

(as he pays)

Oh, Betty. I take it youre going to

be making the wedding cake and they say

youre throwing --

MRS. TROUT

(interrupting)

-- The luau for Maggie.

She starts picking lint off his sleeve and buttons his cuff.

MAGGIE

(all smiles for

Mrs. Trout)

Grandma made me the cutest outfit. I

cant wait to show it to you.

IKE

(cynical delight)

A pre-wedding luau?

MRS. TROUT

Yes. My husband and I love luaus.

Itll be fun.

Mrs. Trout turns and grabs Ikes bag containing two coffees.

IKE

Fun? Fun isnt the word.

Mrs. Trout beams. Maggie understands his answer a little better.

Mrs. Trout hands Ike his items and he pays.

MRS. TROUT

If youre still in town, you should

stop by.

MAGGIE

No, Im sure he doesnt.

IKE

(to Mrs. Trout)

Actually, I would love to come.

(taps her service bell)

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Maggie steps over, carrying her bride and groom figure choices.

MAGGIE

(exasperated)

Is that what youre going to do now?

Follow me around everywhere I go?

Ike smiles at Maggie enigmatically as he picks up his order and

heads for the door.

IKE

No.

He starts to leave with his bag. Mrs. Trout stops him.

MRS. TROUT

(handing him the

other bag)

Your two cinnamon rolls.

IKE

Bye, Betty. Thanks.

He leaves.

MAGGIE

Hes not a nice person.

Maggie hands Mrs. Trout her bride and broom figures. Maggie

looks at Mrs. Trout, suddenly nervous. She dashes out. Mrs.

Trout imitates Ike bamming the bride and groom, laughing.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD - DAY

Various High School SPORTS TEAMS practice. Maggie strides across

the football field, a scowl on her face. A few HIGH SCHOOL

FOOTBALL PLAYERS job past Maggie, doing laps. A boy, KENDALL,

calls out to her affectionately as she passes. One of them,

DENNIS, slows his pace to run alongside Maggie.

DENNIS

(playful)

Maggie, dont marry Coach! Marry me.

I love you.

MAGGIE

Youre jail bait, Dennis. Go away.

Run your laps. Go. Go.

Dennis runs on as Maggie continues toward her goal: Bob and Ike,

standing together on the other side of the field.

ANGLE ON BOB AND IKE

Theyre both standing on the blocking sled. Wave after wave of

VARSITY FOOTBALL PLAYERS ram into the sled and drive it across

the field with both Ike and Bob on top of it. Ike is munching on

one of the cinnamon rolls as Bob pushes the KIDS.

BOB

Drive! Drive! From your hips, get low,

get low, get low. Next!

Ike smiles broadly atop of the sled as he sees Maggie

approaching, looking mighty peeved. He nudges Bob and points to

Maggie. Bob lights up at the sight of her.

BOB (contd)

Good job, gentlemen... Special teams.

The football players move away from the sled. Bob moves to

Maggie, leaves Ike alone.

BOB (contd)

(to Maggie)

Hey, honey!

Bob kisses and embraces Maggie. She doesnt see Ike immediately,

then:

MAGGIE

(indicating Ike)

What is he up to now?

BOB

Ike just came by to check out the team.

IKE

And talk about you.

Ike grins and shows Maggie the notes in his pocket.

MAGGIE

Bob -- are you making friends with this

man?

BOB

Im just bragging about how great you

are. Im the luckiest man alive.

Bob grabs Maggie around the waist and smooches her adoringly.

Maggie scowls at Ike. He nods, all charm.

IKE

Well -- Ive got to get moving -- lot

of work to do today! Ill see you two

love-birds later.

Ike leaves. Bob calls after him.

BOB

See you at the wedding.

IKE

You bet ya, Coach.

Maggie is aghast. She stares at Bob. Ike joins in behind a line

of peppy cheerleaders.

MAGGIE

At the wedding? You invite him? Bob,