PART 2

INT. HARDWARE STORE - CONTINUOUS

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman enter, worried.

MRS. PRESSMAN

You tell Maggie.

PEGGY

No, you tell her.

MRS. PRESSMAN

No, no. Youre her best friend.

PEGGY

No.

MRS. PRESSMAN

(holding her

newspaper)

You know, its just possible that she

hasnt read this yet.

PEGGY

Yeah.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Maybe she hasnt read the paper...

On the counter, they see a copy of USA Today opened to the

article about Maggie.

MRS. PRESSMAN (contd)

... Or not!

We follow MAGGIE down the back stairs inside The Hale Hardware

Store, the prettiest, most welcoming shop of its kind anywhere

in small town USA. Somehow the place ha taken on the spirit of

the owners daughter; both stop and shop-girl radiate brightness,

charm, and possibility. Maggie comes down steps with a faucet

handle and goes to an elderly customer, MR. PAXTON.

MAGGIE

(bright)

Here we go! One antique hot water

handle with the "HOT" still on it,

guaranteed to fit any American Standard

cast iron tub with a four-inch center

made between 1924 and 1938. In other

words, I think youre out of the

doghouse with Mrs. Paxton.

MR. PAXTON

(amazed)

Hallelujah.

MAGGIE

Alright, Mr. Paxton, Ill put it on

your account.

Maggie rounds the bend, another customer, EARL, stands by the

paint machine.

EARL

Maggie.

MAGGIE

(walking past customer)

You dont need an air conditioner, Earl,

you just need an attic fan -- Theres

more in the back.

Maggie steps behind the front counter of the store and takes the

account book out. Her voice trails off as she sees the dour

expression on the faces of her friends.

MAGGIE (contd)

What?

Peggy nervously mentions the newspaper.

PEGGY

(delicate)

So -- Mag -- youve seen this, huh?

MAGGIE

(serious)

Yes, Ive seen it. And I have to say

its the rudest and most offensive...

joke anybodys ever played on me!

To their amazement, Maggie starts smiling.

MAGGIE (contd)

You guys! How long did this take you?

Maggie stays amused.

MAGGIE (contd)

Whered you get this done?

(laughing)

You creeps! I should disinvite you!

And why did you say seven times? This

is four.

PEGGY

Uh, Maggie, you told us to bachelorette

jokes, so we didnt...

Maggie looks at the stricken face of her friends.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Holy moly.

Peggy looks like she is going to cry with sympathy for Maggie.

Maggie is starting to feel uncomfortable. She looks down,

dubiously, at the paper.

MAGGIE

Um, you know, now would be a good

moment to tell me this is fake.

(no response)

It wont be funny if you drag it out.

Okay?

(no response)

Okay, well... I mean, I can find out...

Real newspapers smear. Phoney papers

dont.

She picks up the paper and brushes it against her apron, leaving

an INK SMEAR!!

She nearly kneels over.

MAGGIE (contd)

(sitting)

Bag.

Peggy and Mrs. Pressman immediately spring to her side. They

give her a bag to breathe in.

MRS. PRESSMAN

Bag.

CUT TO:

INT. MAGGIES WORKOUT ROOM/GYM - NIGHT

We see Maggie kickboxing in anger. The radio is on. She

suddenly stops, yanks Ikes article off the wall, leaves her

workout area and goes to her desk.

ANGLE ON DESK AREA:

She turns off the radio and begins to type her letter.

MAGGIE (V.O.)

"Dear Editor..."

EXT. MANHATTAN - DAY - ESTABLISHING SHOT

As Maggies VOICE-OVER continues to read her letter, we take in

a Manhattan busy day. It is big, loud, and anonymous.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

"Greeting from the sticks! Perhaps you

believe that a rural education is

focused mainly on hog calling and

tractor maintenance rather than reading.

Why else would you print a piece of

fiction about me and call it fact?"

Te CAMERA FINDS Ike, striding across a busy street, dodging

taxies. A WOMAN smacks him with a newspaper. He passes a WOMAN

TRAFFIC OFFICER, then a hot dog stand. He greets and passes a

FALAFEL VENDOR. THE CAMERA PANS to a USA Today Truck.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

"I suppose Mr. Graham was too busy

thinking us slanderous statements about

how I dump men for kicks to bother with

something silly like accuracy in

reporting. Which is understandable,

because with a "man-eater" like me on

the loose, who has time to check facts?"

EXT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS

He passes regular GUYS who cheer him.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

"Still, we cannibalistic queens can get

pretty cranky when we see things in

print that hurt our feelings, like that

we deliberately abandon fiances with

malice aforethought."

INT. USA TODAY LOADING DOCKS - CONTINUOUS

He enters the newspaper building, going to Ellies office.

INT. USA TODAY OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

He walks through the crowded city room. His arrival attracts a

lot of attention from his CO-WORKERS. Ike seems a little

surprised, but hes pleased.

MAGGIE (V.O.; contd)

"Thats why I was surprised to find Mr.

Grahams editor was a woman. Call me a

sentimental fool, but I sort of hoped

we man-eater could stick together."

Ike works his way down the hall to the editors office. CHUFFA

Ike greets various workers. He steps up to the editors

secretary, ELAINE. She doesnt smile.

IKE

(to Elaine)

Ill put in a good word for you.

ELAINE

No, no, dont mention my name in there.

IKE

Why?

A buzz.

ELAINE

You can go in now.

Ike goes into Ellies office. Elaine picks up her phone.

CUT TO:

INT. ELLIES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

ELLIE is that editor. Stylish and successful looking, shes

about Ikes age. Ellie sits behind a big desk with a scowl on

her pretty face. Her casual-looking husband, Fisher, sits

nonchalantly on the arm of the couch. Ike enters as Ellie reads

Maggies letter.

ELLIE

(reading letter)

"Anyway, Im just dropping you big city

folk this little note to say that I have

thought of a ritual sacrifice that would

satisfy my current appetite: Ike

Grahams column on a platter. Yours

truly, Maggie Carpenter. P.S. -- I

have inclosed a list of the gross

factual misrepresentations in your

article. There are fifteen."

Ike sits as Ellie puts the letter down and takes off her glasses.

IKE

(chuckles as he sits)

Fully. I like her. She has wit.

ELLIE

I left four messages. You dont return

my calls.

IKE

So? I never returned your calls, even

when we were married. And whats

Fisher doing here anyway?

Fisher gets and places a photo of the cat on a bookshelf on his

way to the other side of the room.

FISHER

Ellie asked me to come down to offer

moral support.

IKE

Since when does Ellie need moral supp--

ELLIE

-- Its for you, Ike.

IKE

What?

ELLIE

Journalism lesson number one. If you

fabricate your facts, you get fired.

Ellie pushes USA Today lawyers letter across the desk for him

to read. Ike picks it up and skims the letter. His face is as

impassive as stone.

IKE

Lesson number two. Never work for your

former spouse.

ELLIE

Thats not nothing to do with it. You

cooked this story up and you know it.

IKE

I didnt cook up a story. I had a

source.

ELLIE

Someone reliable, Im sure. A booze-

hound in a bar?

FISHER

In vino veritas.

IKE

Dont knock drunk guys in bars. Drunk

guys in bars are good. It means

theyre not driving.

Ike gets up and stands near Ellie, making his point.

IKE (contd)

Besides, Im a columnist. This is what

columnists are supposed to do. This is

what you like. We push, we stretch, we

go out on a limo. Thats what makes me

good!

ELLIE

No, thats what makes you unemployed.

IKE

I merely write the stuff. Youre the

one that serves it up.

Ike puts down the letter and puts his glasses back into his

pocket.

ELLIE

Not anymore. I have to draw the line.

(pushing a piece

of paper)

She sent us this list. Our lawyers say

its actionable.

Ellie hands Ike Maggies list.

IKE

(scoffs)

Lawyers.

(glances at list)

I dont know, Ellie -- Firing me is

going to be very tough on you. Its

going to be hard to get over. There

will be therapy bills for you.

ELLIE

(shrugs)

I already made an appointment for later

today.

IKE

(putting the list

down, standing)

See? You want custody of my job? ...

Why not just consider my wrist slapped

and call me when you feel Ive served

my time?

ELLIE

Im sorry, Ike. This is permanent.

Fisher winces and looks away. Ike and Ellie look at each other

for a sober moment.

ELLIE (V.O.; contd)

If you go quietly, Ill get you

severance pay.

Ellie fidgets with her toy rake, then Ike heads for the door.

He laughs a little at the painful truth of her words and walks

out. Ellie collapses back in her chair. Fisher goes to her and

rubs her shoulders.